How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
