The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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