I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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