How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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