you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
