I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
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