Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
