do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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