Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
not ubering you a puppy
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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