If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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