WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
