My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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