Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
