my soul wont recognize me after tonight
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
