Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
