I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
he puts the penis in happiness.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
