the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
