today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
