Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
