So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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