I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
