You really coming over, don't trick.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My ass is underappreciated
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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