Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
