Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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