When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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