Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
