It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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