Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
