Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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