there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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