Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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