my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
