I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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