guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
