i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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