i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
