He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
