Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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