So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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