do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
