I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
