I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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