So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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