my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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