I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
