i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
