shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
