Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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