I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
