Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
