If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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